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What does that mean?.. You look...

Apr. 15th, 2007 | 10:19 pm
location: Jane's House
mood: sadsad
music: Hinder - Bliss

I hate it when people say, "You look great! Have you lost weight?" Does it mean that I didn't look great before I dropped a few pounds?

 
I saw my former boss tonight, who is a former ana and she made the comment that I lost alot of weight and how great I looked. As you all know, I lost my job as a nanny a month ago this wednesday because I needed time off to have my tonsills removed and that just wasn't ok with her. Well with my tonsills I lost 14 pounds and from stress and being a recovering purging ana, i really started to struggle because I didnt know how to handle dealing with all that comes with losing your job... i have to move because i can no longer afford my home. I had to get a new job, i am a fitness trainer at a gym. I am late paying my bills becasue i used all of my savings to pay April's rent and my bills from march and so I am definatly having a hard time. It doesnt help that at my new job, part of what I have to do is not only train but i have to keep the people motivated so I have to exercise for hours a day and since there are scales every where I look, I am weighing myself. I also cant eat anything but basically fruits and veggies and only drink water and coffee at work. I haven't been on a scale in 2 years. I dont own one. When I moved out of my parents house when I was 18, I promised myself to not own a scale again. I dont even let my doctor weigh me! [there are time though that my ED psychologist will need to know and so my doctor wont let me see the number and he will fax it to my psych]. The first day on the job, 2 mondays ago i weighed myself. I weigh myself almost everyday now and since my first weigh in, I have lost another 6 pounds from when i had my tonsills out 3 1/2 weeks ago.
 
Why do we focus so much on what we look like and what people say to us? I should have taken, "You look great!" As a compliment but in my mind all I heard was, "have you lost weight?" and i started panicking about, oh my gosh, she is looking at my body and she is to tall and so skinny and so pretty, shes judging me. She thinks I am fat and wants me to lose more. Losing = compliments! And then I went on to, I dont want people to look at me, I need a sweatshirt! Something baggy, anything!
 
God created me just how He wanted me. God created you just how He wanted you. Why I cant I [we] accept that?

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Venting

May. 12th, 2006 | 12:50 pm
location: Working
mood: crankypissy
music: The Fray--Over my head

I know that this is gonna sound stupid but it really pisses me off how everyday on shows like Deal or No Deal or who wants to be a millionare and so on and so forth they give away a ton of money. Why is that this "fabulous and powerful country" of ours that we live in can do this but we have millions of people who are hungry and homeless or who cant afford treatment to help save thier lives for diseases like cancer or aids but we can just throw our money away for our entertainment of is the million dollars in the box he/she chose or is are one of the models holding it?! Or no idiot thats not the answer... gosh i would have won that million dollars?! Even the lottery. I am guilty of every once in a while buying a scratch off ticket in hopes that i win a couple of bucks but i dont play it "religiously". In fact I have only ever bought a ticket for myself once and had them given to me a few times. I think that we as Americans should re-evaluate our thoughts on where we put our money and what we spend out time watching on television because it really is quite rediculous when you think about it. We should be spending more time living like Christ and helping our suffering brothers and sisters rather than making sure we are home by 8:00 so we can yell "NO DEAL!!!" at our tv sets.

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Apr. 28th, 2006 | 02:06 pm

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Apr. 22nd, 2006 | 11:16 pm

Oh my gosh. Tif and I painted the living room and bathroom of the apartment tonight... it looks sooooo good! i am soooo excited! The living room is a Sage green and we are gonna do like white and brown accents in it. It looks awesome! Then the bathroom, we picked out the shower curtain and then the wall color! lol. We are such girls! So we painted it "trenchcoat khaki" and we are putting deep ered accents in the bathoom to match everything. We moce in next Monday. We are sooooo excited! 

I saw a play yesterday. It was called Fools. It was really cute. Very funny. I love theater!!! 

God is really blessing me with this new job and new apartment. I definaly feel His presence today.

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(no subject)

Apr. 21st, 2006 | 01:20 pm
mood: crappycrappy

Yesterday was hell... today isnt much better.
I really need to get things in order. I need to remember that Jesus Christ is Lord and He will guide me as long as I trust in Him.

I need to get back into therapy. It was going so well and I was doing so good. I need to get my habits under control and relize that I am who I am supposed to be and all things happen for a reason. I need to go back to the nutritionist and not worry about every little cal that I consume. I mean yesterday, I barely ate and then I went to the gym and did a hardcore workout and then my cousin and I went on a 5 mile run (we walked some though). I didnt even let myself eat afterwards.

I have alot of thinking to do.

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Feb. 26th, 2006 | 07:52 am

So yesterday was the first day that I saw my therapist Cathy. My friend Sara came with me (she was anorexic for 7 years so she has dealt with therapy and recovery and I really wanted her there with me) When we got there I sat in the car and was almost in tears and kept telling Sara that I didnt want to go in. She somehow convinced me to go in and when I got through the double doors, I stood there and just looked at the door labeled Justin Beal Counceling. I stood there for a good five minutes... which seemed to last a lifetime not wanting to go in. Finally Sara opened the door becuase it was like i forgot how and have me a little shove to get my feet moving. We had just stepped into the lobby and a woman opened the door and said, "hi, Jordan?" looking at me. Then she introduced herself as Cathy and we went from there. 
Yesterday was basically us just meeting and me signing my life away to a dozen papers. She did ask me a bunch of questions though, Basically, why was i there? have I ever reacieved counceling before? What are the most stressfull aspects of my life? My home life, school, friends, and then she asked about my ED. I didnt want to answer her when it came to that. Which is mainly why I am there. And for the reason that I moving back home in August and my family life is HORRIBLE and I just know that Its gonna be worse when I move back than it was before I left. Laekyn hates me and asks me all the time if I would mind sleeping in the basement. When I tell her yes I mind she informs me that she hates me and doesnt want me living there. My mom yells at her but she feels the same way. She has said numerous times that everyone is happier that I am on my own. Makes me feel really great let me tell ya. Oh well. I think that therapy will be good for me. It just sucks hardcore that  my insurance doesnt cover it and so I have to pay $60 out my pocket every time that I go. And my parents dont know that I am going so its not like I can even ask them for their help. Which I probably wouldnt because I NEVER ask them for money. And I pay all my medical bills anyways so it doesnt really matter. 
Thursday I am gonna be out of town cuz I am co-cordinator for NAtional Eating Disorder Awareness Week (NEDAW). So I have a big week ahead of me.

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Feb. 12th, 2006 | 10:31 pm

i had another friend die tonight at 5:30 from cancer. the one who had 2 dyas to weeks to live (i think i posted about her the other day) her sister died a year ago this march from cancer as well.
this is really not my week.
ryan keeps calling me the angel of death...
of coarse i had to find about her on my first day back to work from my being extreamly sick... my nice 103 degree fever and all. i just want to throw up. i know thats gross but my nerves are completly shot. i almost had a nervous break down tonight at work. i jsut wanted to go home so bad... be with my other friends who lost wendy to. but i was the only one here tonight and so i couldnt leave cuz i had to run the hotel... just my luck.

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Feb. 11th, 2006 | 04:15 pm

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Feb. 10th, 2006 | 11:01 pm

Ok... so Sarah and I went to walmart tonight so i could get sme gingerale and some other things to make my tummy feel better. I was going to drive but I couldnt find my keys so sarah drove (and since we are expecting a huge snow storm right now she has her mom's jeep). Well we get there and she this middle aged woman was taking her good ol time walking past the space sarah was about to pull into. Well when she was passing the car next to sarah's parking spot sarah pulled into it. well i guess the woman thought sarah was going to hit her and when we got out of the car her and her husband were staring at sarah and as we were walking the woman yelled maybe you should be more careful through the parking lot b*tch. and sarah turned around and telled maybe you should walk a little faster. well then the husband kept yelling be carefull fat @ss f*ck you fat @ss and being real immature and we just kept walking. when we went back out to the car they wrote in red lipstick all over sarah's moms car f*ck u fat @ss. so she called the police and they are watching the cameras so they can fine her.

what a way to end such a horrible week!!!

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Feb. 10th, 2006 | 05:06 pm

OH MY GOSH. Just when I started feeling like life couldnt get any worse... it DOESNT (you thought i was gonna say it does huh? hehe. sorry i tricked ya)
Well last night I ended up getting the flu. I was throwing up all night and sitting on the edge of the shower crying for hours because I just couldnt handle things anymore and i needed to get it all out. so today i am laying in bed (since i am not aloud to be at work due to the grossness of an infection that encompassed both my eyes known as "pink eye") almost asleep (groggy from tons of meds) and my cell phone rings and its a number that i have no idea who it belongs to, so i answer and the voice on the other end introduces herself and tells me that i have been ACCEPTED to CENTRIFUGE be a staffer (Bible study leader) for camp this summer at RidgeCrest NC!!! I am hardcore excited.
WOW does God work wonders. Just as I was complaining about how its someone else's turn for misery, He got a laugh by showing me how He works and giving my complete happiness in such a hard time. WOW is God ever amazing. So from June 9th to August 10th i will be serving my Lord in the beautiful mountains of NC. i give Him all the thanks in the world for letting me serve Him the best way i possibly can this summer... to help spread His word and work to teens from all across the country. WOW do i love my Jesus <33

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